Memorial Day can bring grief issues to the surface

Memorial Day is a time when many people reflect on the loss of loved ones as well as people they don't know who bravely fought in wars.  Memories of loss can bring grief to the surface.  In today's Coffee with Chris, Chris talks about the importance of paying attention to our grief.

Ready to let go of your grief?  Send me an email to learn about my psychotherapy and coaching services.

What do you do to work with your grief.  Comment below.  Thanks.

Coffee with Chris

Look for Coffee with Chris every Monday for a boost to a week of Saner Living.

Email me for life coaching, business coaching or psychotherapy.  Whatever path you choose will lead you to saner living.

Stuff my mother told me, the weird, the helpful and the not so helpful

Well, it turns out that Mother's Day is this weekend and my last post was a week early.  While there is really nothing wrong with being early, I thought it couldn't hurt to write another post about Mother's Day.

Stuff my mother told me, the weird, the helpful, and the not so helpful.
Samplings of 'wisdom' from a first generation Italian Catholic woman from Boston.

• If you bake a perfect lemon meringue pie, you will get a husband (Ah, thanks for the tip)
  
• Don't say the word 'hate', it's not nice (Not bad)
  
• If you sit on a boy's lap, put a telephone book between you (At the time, I had no idea what the 'H' she was talking about)
• If you are eating in front of someone, share with them and give them the biggest share.  (Really? C'mon!)
  
• Make the sign of the cross when passing by a Catholic church and NOT ANY OTHER DEMONINATION'S CHURCH (Very difficult to pull off)
• Treat others as you want to be treated (Good idea)
  
• There is no such thing as a best friend  (Clearly her issue, which I have proved wrong many times)
• Don't talk back to your elders. often said as, "Don't be fresh."  (But it's so hard..)
  

She also used parables for teaching:

A mother had three little girls.  One day the kitchen floor needed sweeping.  The first little girl said, "I love you Mommy," and went outdoors to play.  The second little girl said, "I love you Mommy," and went outdoors to play.  The third little girl said, "I love you Mommy," and picked up the broom and started sweeping.  (Guess which little girl I wanted to be)

All mothers are products of their upbringing, culture, ethnicity, etc.  It's okay to leave some of this stuff with them.

I wonder what my kid's list is like.

Got any 'wisdom' from your mom?  Share below.

Want some help figuring out your relationship to your mother or to your kids?  Send me an email to learn more about my coaching and psychotherapy services.

Mother's Day is a time for reflection

Mother's Day is this weekend.  My mother's 90th birthday is also this weekend.  It's really quite remarkable that she has lived so long. 

She has not had an easy life.  Despite her challenges she expressed her love, taught me to cook, was a great role model for surviving in the midst of adversity.   She never took on the role of victim.  She was always gracious about the good fortune of others, despite her lack of it.  Through it all she showed a great sense of humor. She is a remarkable woman.

Of course, she made parenting mistakes.  What parent doesn't?   Despite these parenting missteps, her heart was always in the right place.

She gave me the wisdom of strength, humor, kindness, generosity of spirit and good values.  She taught me a love of cooking. 

 No matter what kind of a mother one has, there is personal work to do to know who we are separate from our mothers.  We have to figure out what qualities our mother's had that we loved and helped us become the person we are today.  We also have to shed the not so good qualities.  We have to let go of anger, grief and disappointment.

Mother's are people too.  When we can see the humanity in our mother's we can be more forgiving.

When we forgive our mother's we can be less harsh on ourselves.

The top picture of my Mum is after she ate a huge plate of fried clams.  Simple pleasures can bring great joy.

What are you thinking about this Mother's Day weekend?  Leave a comment below.

Want help navigating the tricky waters of mother/daughter relationships?  Send me an email.

How would you like a smile a day?

I found a website called HooplaHa that comes with the tagline, 'Life with a smile'. 

Positivity is an antidote for the general malaise we can all feel at one time or another.  That pesky negativity bias of the brain can really hijack our perspective.  I figure a website that guarantees a smile a day has the potential to act as 'scrubbing bubbles' on our brain, washing away all that negativity.

While perusing Hooplaha I found this video on Laughter Yoga and found the laughing contagious.

Take a spin around the site and let me know what you think and send links to videos you find that make you smile by clicking on the comment button below.

Want to find your smile?  Email me to learn more about my coaching or psychotherapy services.

Video Credits: HooplaHa- Life With A Smile- www.hooplaha.com

How much stuff do you have?

Many of my clients are talking about getting rid of stuff.  Maybe it's because spring is here and the dust bunnies of the long winter months are begging to be taken care of. 

It's amazing how much stuff we accumulate; mementos, extra pounds, old furniture, kitchen gadgets, tools, books, record albums, cds, etc.  It's hard to know when to let go of what.

I just sold most of our old vinyl record albums.  It took my husband and I years to be able to let go of our LPs.  We weren't just letting go of records, we were letting go of tangible ties to important events and life stages. 

My best friend, Susan, and I used to sit in my bedroom drinking wine coolers (don't tell my mom), listening to Led Zeppelin while talking about our latest crushes, plans for the future and how our parents were driving us crazy.

I have come to understand that the memories of that time were captured deep inside my heart and would always be with me, with or without the record albums collecting dust in my laundry room.

When it comes to cleaning out things, I have decided to act like an archivist and keep a few things representative of a time or an event and let go of everything else. 

Thinking like an archivist can take some of the stress and ambivalence out of letting go of stuff.  Besides we made a tidy sum of money and have more space freed up in our home.

My only caveat is when it comes to letting go of extra weight - all of that can go!

Do you have a trick that helps you let go of things?  Comment below, I would love to hear from you.

Want some help cleaning up things inside you that are bogging you down?  Shoot me an email.

Have you ever wanted something and you are just not getting it?

Have you ever desired someone to be different from who they really are?  Have you ever wanted something that is completely out of your reach? I think everyone has been in those situations.

Whether it's a relative or friend that you want to be closer to, a boss whom you want to be less reactive and more understanding or a desire for more ideal business practices, you can only do so much to make it happen.

When you have done everything in your power to get what you want and it's still not happening, it's time to begin to consider letting go.

In the course of my life, I can pinpoint certain relationships where I wanted the other person to be someone they aren't in order to meet a need that I had.  I remember wanting my children to accomplish things that were of no interest to them.  Then there were the times when I wanted the economy to stabilize and recover my investments that disappeared in stock market fluctuations.

I went through the usual stages of letting go, denial, anger, over focus on what the other person or situation is doing and how 'if they/it just changed in a certain way, I would be happy' and of course, grief.

It is a shared human trait to over-focus on things that we can't control in order to make the world a safe place, as we each define it.

It's been said before, the only person you can change is yourself.  Paradoxically, focusing on yourself is more likely to bring you what you want.

When you are free to be who you are, you have the emotional and personal space to change and grow.  Micro-managing others and situations keeps things the same and creates personal suffering.

As I have grown older, I have gotten better and better at staying in my own skin, taking care of myself and letting go of the need to have others and situations be what I want them to be.  It's a nice place to be.

I switched from trying to change other people and situations to a position of influence and inspiration with others and most of the time I get what I want.

Do you have a situation that you want to be different or a person you want to change?  What have you done to focus on yourself and improve your situation? Comment below - I would love to hear what you have to say on this matter.

Want help letting go of ways of being in a certain relationship or unproductive business practices?  Shoot me an email, I would love to talk with you.

Guest post: Stress levels high among most Americans

alancleaver-2000flickrA new report from the American Psychological Association indicates that the stress levels of the average American are much higher than they should be. The conclusions of the report are that public institutions should do far more to help individuals lower their stress levels.

The recommendations of the report are based on surveys of more than 1,000 adults from across the U.S. The findings showed that the average American rated their stress level as a 5.2 on a 10-point scale. Given the fact that stress can contribute to a range of physical and mental health problems, the authors of the report suggested that this is much too high.

They said that government agencies and private institutions should take steps to help individuals lower their stress levels. However, individuals should not wait around for some third party help them deal with their stress. Taking proactive steps to deal with anxiety may lead to many benefits.

There are numerous ways to go about dealing with stress. For example, individuals can try keeping plants. Studies have shown that caring for house plants - watering, pruning and other related tasks - can lead to a calmer state of mind. Furthermore, just being in an environment that has green, living things can help reduce anxiety and stress.

Exercise is another powerful stress reliever. No matter how busy the day has been, a few minutes of vigorous physical activity is often enough to lower anxiety levels. It has been shown to release endorphins in the brain, which have been linked to healthier moods. Furthermore, exercise allows a person to work out much of the pent up energy that have built up throughout the day.

If exercise is not so much your style, why not try meditation? This ancient practice has been used for centuries to help people focus their minds and get them out of negative thought patterns that may lead to stress. Taking just a few minutes each day to center your thoughts may have a significant effect on your stress levels.

There is no doubt about the fact that more needs to be done to help individuals lower their stress levels. However, people should not wait for external forces to help. Taking initiative and personal responsibility can enable a person to make significant strides in the maintenance of their mental health. 

Dahn Yoga is one of the largest yoga and tai chi companies in the world with its own unique style and brand of yoga. Dahn Yoga is rooted in the rich history of an ancient Asian mind-body practice, Sun Do, and in the wisdom of the Chun Bu Kyung.

Letting go gets results - grasping for change is futile

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you did everything you could to get it, only to have it slip away? 

When we grasp to hold onto to a relationship that is not good for us, a job that is draining our energy, wanting our kids to be better or ways of being that no longer work well, we are least likely to get the outcome we desire. 

It's paradoxical that by letting go of grasping for a desired outcome we are more likely to get what we want.  Staying in the process of change brings us closer to what we want, while focusing on the desired outcome keeps us further away from our desired outcome.

When we stay in the process of change we create room for a thoughtful self-focus that allows us to understand what we want, why we want it, have time to see if it's possible and an openness to possibilities or new pathways that are impossible to see when we are in grasping mode.

As the pig in the video below demonstrate focusing on outcome without a thoughtful process, which includes vision and a plan, is an exercise in frustration and wasted personal energy.

Imagine the life we could all have if  the energy we spend trying to manipulate outcomes is channeled into a positive thoughtful process.

Ormie the Pig from Christian Vezilj on Vimeo.

How do you walk the fine line between outcome and staying in the life change process?  Click the comment button belw.

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What is there to say about love?

I have been thinking about what I want to say about love on Valentine's day.  I decided on:

Just love and be loved. 

It's as simple as that.

What is your saner living story?

If you had a chance to read my interview with Rick Hanson, then you know that the brain has a negativity bias and can take us down the slippery slope of negativity faster than a high speed train.

You can see this in action by paying attention to how many negative stories you tell yourself in the course of a day.  We all do it.

I came across this cool video and wondered how each of us could contribute to making the world a happier more peaceful place if we learned how to tell ourselves positive stories. 

My saner living challenge to all of us is to pick positive words and focus on them for the next month. 

My positive words for the month are gratitude, charity and love. 

Saner living is about coming back to our center, always.  This exercise could be a great way to recenter our selves.

Tiny Story from Sebas & Clim on Vimeo.

Go with the flow of change

I was overwhelmed and impressed by the majesty of this mighty and beautiful wave.  It got me thinking about how vulnerable we are to big life forces and events and how important it is to ride out the wave of life's uncertainty rather than try to swim againist it.

It's natural to want to control that which feels difficult, upsetting or frustrating.  We all struggle with trying to manage other people and outcomes to situations that feel beyond our control.  We resist change.  We run from grief.  We hide from confrontation.  We fight feeling vulnerable and uncertain.

If like the surfers in this video, we lean into the wave of change, uncertaintly, anger, frustration, grief or whatever has scooped us up to deposit us to who knows where, we are likely to find ourselves on the shore of new growth, resolution and peace.

BIGGEST TEAHUPOO EVER, SHOT ON THE PHANTOM CAMERA. from Chris Bryan.

Clcik the comment below to share you what do you do when it by waves of change? 

Want a saner life?  Want to find your purpose?  Want to live your vision?  Want to improve your business?  Contact Chris today!

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Check out this fabulous looking retreat

It's January, the weather is cold, the blush of the holidays has faded to a shadow and new year's intentions are rolling around in our brains like the next hotest fad.

Most of us enter the new year with goals and hope for personal improvement.  Our intentions are good - it's the follow through that can be trickier than reaching a destination without a map.

A retreat called We Move Forward 2012, was recently brought to my attention.  It looks great and I want to share the information with you.

We Move Forward 2012 is a 3-day International Women’s Day event on The Island of Women (Isla Mujeres), Mexico. Come and be part of this full and well blended experience. You will be inspired by the personal stories of our daily featured speakers. You – the ‘true author’ of your own life story – will take part in activities that guide you in the direction you want the next chapter of your life to take. You will feel refreshed through and through by participating in your choice of daily movement sessions. You will make new connections and memories that last a lifetime. And, you will move forward in a desired direction…

You can get more information on the retreat here.

Receive $100  of the cost of the retreat by using this promotion code: sanerlivingguru2012.   You can not combine this discount with any other promotion, such as their New Year Promotion running between Jan 1 - 12 giving registrants $212 off the price.

Want a saner life?  Want to find your purpose?  Want to live your vision?  Want to improve your business?  Contact Chris today!

Learn how current brain research can help with saner living

Understanding  what makes us tick as human beings helps create saner lives. 

We all struggle with negative thinking and that is because the brain has a negativity bias that was very functional in caveman times.  We are in less daily danger than our predecessors.  We can go to the grocery store to buy food, turn our thermostats on to get heat, get water from indoor faucets and so on.  In general, for many people, basic human needs are easily met.

The brains negativity bias gets us into a lot of emotional trouble.  Anxiety looks for content and the stress and strain of modern living provide lots of content for the primitive part of our brain to latch onto. This is a real energy drainer.

Rick Hanson, PhD  a neuropsychologist, has written two books, Buddha's Brain and Just One Thing.  In his books, Rick talks about current research in neuroscience in an easy to understand way.  He gives practical advice and simple techniques that will help  rewire the brain towards more positivity.

I am a big believer that 'power is knowledge'.

I interviewed Rick about his work.  Take a look.

Contact Chris for help rewiring your brain, improving relationships, creating a 21st century business, finding your passion and developing a more joyful life.  I would love to help you live a saner life!

Comments on Rick's work?  Comment below.

New Year's video inspires making 2012 a great year

Take the time to be still and you will be delighted to find that you already know what you need to do to become your true self.  Let go of any harsh New Year's resolutions and go gently into 2012.

Want to make 2012 a great year?  Contact Chris for coaching or psychotherapy.

Get some surefire tips for holiday sanity

Chris’s do’s and don’ts list for holiday sanitywreath and photo by Dee Green

'Tis the season to be jolly........

And, the season to be stressed, short-tempered and impatient.  Most people don't want to give in to these darker emotions, especially around the holidays.

I am re-posting my Saner Living Tips to help you stay cool, calm and collected.

Do

Don’t

Make a budget and stick to it Understand what the holidays really      mean to you Make a list of the people most important to spend time with   Practice extraordinary self-care Put yourself in front or alongside the needs of   others Be open to new holiday rituals Do taste and savor your food Practice mindful gift giving and receiving   Plan ahead to handle difficult family or friend holiday situations

Give into impulse shopping Do the same old same old without thinking it through   Spend time with people from a ‘have to’ place.     Let your needs go unattended Say yes to others before thinking it through Hang on to rituals because ‘we always did it this way’.      Eat mindlessly Purchase any old gift, just to get it  done Try to resolve family issues on the          holiday

You might want to print this post out and put it in a place where you can see it frequently.

Want a quick tip for holiday sanity?

There you are at your mailbox excitedly anticipating Christmas cards from friends and family.  You reach your hand into the mailbox and come up with a big fat wad of catalogs. 

Sure, you can recycle them right away, but like the proverbial tide, a new wave of catalogs will await you tomorrow.

Or perhaps you stack them on the dining room table or kitchen counter and tell yourself that you will look at them later.  Fat chance that will happen, what with all the holiday stuff to do on top of regular life. 

If you are like many people, the catalogs will go untended until the pile is so high they tip over onto the floor, making a mosaic of brightly colored pictures of things you don't want, never wanted and will never want.

There is a solution that is easy as pie and one that I started doing this year. 

Grab your stack of catalogs and go to  Catalog Choice where you can enter in the catalog name, the account or customer number and the key or source code found on the address label of the catalog.   Presto chango, you are removed from their mailing list!

Going to the mailbox becomes fun again, except for those pesky bills, of course.

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Contact Chris for tips, tools, practical suggestions and confidential counseling or coaching

How about a nice big helping of gratitude, nature and beauty?

The day after Thanksgiving brings lots of good food leftovers  just begging to be eaten up.  Along with the food leftovers try an extra big helping of gratitude, nature and beauty.

Check this video out:  

Louie Schwartzberg: Nature. Beauty. Gratitude.

I am dedicated to helping myself and others live saner lives.  What does saner living mean to you?  Join the discussion by clicking here.

Just for fun bonus.

What do you have Gratitude for?

Every Thursday I write a note card to my 89 year old mother who is in a nursing home in Massachusetts.  This week I thanked her for teaching me how to cook and prepare holiday feasts.  My mother's Italian hertiage served us well come time to eat, holiday or not.

Thanksgiving is next week and it reminds me that November is gratitude month.

As I wrote to my mother in the note card, it's good to have a time when we sit with those we love and give thanks for what we have.

I know there is a recession going on out there and that, along with other life stressors, it can make gratitude feel like the ugly step-sister of emotions. 

Finding gratitude, even in the small pleasures, can make a big difference, such as a sunny day, a smile from a stranger, a beautiful tree.

Living in gratitude is contagious - give it a try!

Here is my top five list of things I have gratitude for:

• My health
• My family
• My dog and cat
• A job I love
• That there is always a way out of darkness and stress no matter who you are or what your circumstance

What's on your top five Gratitude list?  Hit the comment button below and let's contribute to Gratitude month.

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Contact Chris for tips, tools, practical suggestions and confidential counseling or coaching

Listen to Chris read this post - just click  below.

Gratitude by Christine Wucherer

Learn to think creatively when feeling like a 'Has Been"

Do you ever feel like a 'Has 'Been'?
Contact Chris for tips, tools, practical suggestions and confidential counseling or coaching.